Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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