we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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