we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
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