So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize