I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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