You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
