Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
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