If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
