don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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