Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
