Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
