the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
it's like iHOP with fire
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
