So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
BROstal carolina. Watching a boy drinking rum and coke out of a cup of noodle empty cup.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
