Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
