I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
She needs sedatives and a leash
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
