If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Randomize
