Im at strip club and am horny
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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