I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Randomize