I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
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