You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
is this the sara with the beer cane?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
