I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize