Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
