I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
