So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
