true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Someone came in the potted fern
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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