thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
two words: eviction party
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Randomize
