Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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