you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
