He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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