You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
