You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
