dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
