Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
