I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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