Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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