god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
where are you?
Hypothermia
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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