So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
