As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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