Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I love you. Go after that dick
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
