my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
