I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
