So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
