i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
