You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You are the jesus of drinking
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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