U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
