i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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