Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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