god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
