Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
