He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
