Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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