Umm I'm too high to move.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
