the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
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