i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I had to cum in my sink.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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