More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
