I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
