dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
