so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
