happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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