The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
