Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize