GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
